A response to Leigh's eloquent post about her girlfriends...
During Christmas, my roommates and I had sent a series of emails checking in and wishing each other well. Each one of us had admitted (sometimes begrudgingly) that we were all important to each other, and that we were all thankful for such good friends. Now, you can blame Christmas cheer or cabin fever for this, but it was kind of a big deal for me.
This shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who knows us well. We’ve lived with each other or known each other for years now. We’re the official Lost Boys, the Princes of Pilsen, those assholes, or whatever you want to call us. Jokes aside, I have to admit that I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have these guys.
I’ve had so many close friends in my life, and I’ve tried to tell most of these friends how important they are to me. But looking back, I haven’t had a group of guys were I felt so much a part of. I played sports, I had a band, I’ve had plenty of good male friends. But I haven’t known many guys who I consider my bros. My brother and my dad, sure, we were tight. We were the boys, and I have healthy relationships with them both. But as far as friends, I’ve rarely felt that I could let my guard down amongst other guys. In high school, my friends were petty and competitive. There was a lot of drama, a lot of bitching and cruel backstabbing. The guy I probably had the most healthy relationship with was my bandmate Andrew, but I talked shit about him behind his back out of pure jealousy.
I don’t know if people always realize how cruel men can be to each other. There’s this idea that guys are always out-front with each other, that they get into fist fights and beat each other to a pulp, but afterwards are cool with each other. And yes, that does actually happen. But there are just as many guys who can pull some real mean girl style bullshit and appear totally masculine uncomplicated when they do it.
So when I finally fell in with these guys, I felt a huge sense of relief. We can be masculine and stupid with each other. We can get drunk and disorderly and make cruel fun of each other. But I feel like we all have each other’s backs. And we can be disarmingly honest with each other. That’s the defense I have against the Lost Boys tag. We’re not just dicking around and avoiding responsibility. We’re all very concerned with growing up, becoming good men, good people. And no one is more critical of us than each other.
I know I’m lucky, and I know this won’t last forever. We will all grow up, move out, possibly marry, have families of our own. But I hope we never grow too distant. I would love for our children to be friends, to feel like cousins. That may seem like a pipe dream, but it’s not totally unrealistic. Working with MPAACT, I see old college friends working together, in community with each other, their children playing together like cousins.
I hope we haven’t alienated ourselves from our other friends. This winter has been isolating, and I know, this is what we get for moving so far away. But I hope our friends feel like our doors are open to them anytime. I also hope that the 'boys only club' feeling isn't too strong, that we haven't alienated our female friends. I know that we have, and I'm sorry. It's a pity that it often took breakups or frustration with girls to bring us together. But it's not what holds us together. Besides, as Weezy says, "[we've] been hated by the seasons, so fuck y'all whos hate'n fo no reason"
ahhh
Stay critical or die,
Nigel
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